I'd rather not
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When Chuck
Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you. Rather than being birthed like a
normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris recently
had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage
as Red Bull. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to
stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted,
"HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,
"Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the
irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred
mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the
devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the
devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates
irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They
now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. To prove it isn't that
big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes
a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them
from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. The
original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome
for a single show, however, so it was divided. Chuck Norris was the fourth
Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly
to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift
favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the
Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks. When Chuck Norris's
wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a
live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it
was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him
how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said,
"Never question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down
with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" A man once asked Chuck Norris if his
real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at
him until he exploded. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris
can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor,
just because he's Chuck Norris. Before each filming of Walker: Texas
Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of
elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and
mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he
fights. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost
my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris found out about
Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is
working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's
wife. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris doesn't have
normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring
around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of
martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why
Chuck Norris never gets ill. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner
karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little
kids. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death
by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she
didn't give him exact change. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC,
claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane". If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see
you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from
death. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children
who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck
Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse
kicks them in the face.
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